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BY J 



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k-/ -L JL ± 




I I 



A SATIRICAL OPERATIC BURLE 



IlSr THREE ^CTS, 



WRITTEN BY 



IT. 



•'BY JUPITER," Is a Manuscript and as such this Copy (which 
ha.) been put in this shape solely for convenience, and is Private Property 
and not for sale) is to be regarded. All persons are cautioned against 
representing or performing the piece or any part of it without permission 
as Infringers will be prosecuted. 




Copyrighted hj Waldoyf H. Phillips. 



S3 






^^BY JUPITER!!" 



A SATIRICAL OPERATIC BURLESQUE 



IN THREE ^CTS, 



WRITTEN BY 



/ 



"W^^I_iIZ)OI=LF' H. 



" BY JUPITER," is a Manuscript and as sucti tliis Coijy (wliich 
has beenjput in this shape solely for convenience and is Private Property 
and not for sale) is to be regarded. All persons are cautioned against 
representing or performing the piece or any part of it without permission' 
as infringers will he prosecuted. 



v; >»»*'» 



i^H 21 1888 Vj 

Copyrighted by Waldorf H. Phillips. 



\ 'S^ ^ -v\ 






Tsio^^ 



TMP96~00705c 



Blckok Bros.. Printers. New York. 



CHARACTERS ; 

(Mainly without Character.) 



Jupiter, Who although he's resigned is not resigned — 

Patrick Casabig.nkay, Imported free of Duty. 

Josh Crew, Confidential Adviser and Importer of the Casabiankay. 

Bacchus, Fortunate possessor of a colored under-garment, and like 

it, on both sides of the fence. 
Neptune, who. unlike Bacchus, believes in water. 
Mercury, who naturally has ups and downs, hot and cold by turns. 
Apollo. 
* The Weeper, who has seen all the "Comic" Opera's. He has his 

Exits and his Entrances, and but little else. 
The Book, Keeper of the Royal Dungeon and of everything else he 

can get his hands on. 
Pages I, Assistants to the Book, bound to cover his marks 12 
" 2, mo. in every year. 

" 3. 
" 4, 
Mars, a soldier with no fight. 
Juno, A model of a wife, after all. 

La Foreignaire, Even a lawyer couldn't break her Will. 
Hebe, One of the disappointed. 
Eiicharis, another of the same kind. 
Diana, one of the outs anxious to get in, but who caut get in, 

until some one gets out. 
Vesta, Who wont in- Vest a cent in new parties any more 
Patocrats, {adherents of the neiv regime,) Jupitcreans, [adherents 
of the old regime,) Gods, Goddesses, Attendants on jfuno. Sea 
Nymphs, Etc., Etc. 

Brass Baiid. 
hi Alt III some one i)i the Gallery. 

* Note Unless otherzvise stated in the Text the Weeper ef iters, 
makes his remarks, and exits rapidly, each time. The use of a trap is 
preferable. 

Local and Political Hits of a temporary character can be added ad 
lib. if desired, as suits the occasion and place and time 
of performance. 



COSTUMES. 

Jupiter, Mythological, 

Casabiankay, Irish Emigrant Costume. Fiery Red Wig. In Act 

Second wears also an old Plug Hat. 
Crew, Regulation Yankee Costume. 

Bacchus, ReguLition Mythological. Must wear a Red Shirt. 
A^eptune, Costume of an old Salt. 
Mercury, Telegraph Boy's Costume. 
Apollo, Regulation Mythological. 
The Weeper, Very close fitting Black Suit covered from top to bottom 

with Pocket Handkerchiefs. 
The Book, Captam of Police Costume. 
Pages, Police Uniforms. 

Mars, Full Military Commander's Costume. 
Juno, Regulation Mythological, but very handsome. 
La Foreignaire, French Feasant woman's dress, short and showing 

Bust. 
Hebe, Regulation Mythological. Tights. 
Eucharis, Same as Hebe; different color. 
Diana, Mythological Huntress. 
Vesta, Mythological. 

Gods, Goddesses, Juno' s Attendants, and Sea Ay/nphs in -varied 
regulation Mythological Costumes, Armor, etc. 
Patocrats, White and Green Costumes, 
Jupitereans, Red and Black Costumes. 



Time — The Present Decade. 

Act I — On the Earth. 

Acts II and III— /« the Heavens. 

The audience are kindly requested to allow some years to elapse be- 
tween Act n and Act HL They are also respectfully requested to re- 
main seated during the Finale of Act IH till the Curtain falls. 



Musical Numbers. 
Overture, Comprising parts of "One Party's In," "Spring with 
Ease," '*Faded Flowers," "Nothing to Wear." and 
"Grand March." 

Act I. 

I. "-The Curtain iVou> Has Risen,'' Opening Chorus of Sea 
Nymphs. 



2. Solo: '■'■Prn Neptune Brave,'''' Neptune. Chorus. 

3. Solo and Chorus: '■'■I am a Telegraphic Boy,'" M^ercxxvy i^nd Sea 

Nymphs. 

4. Concerted Piece, "'The Keeper of a Dungeon Cell." — Book and 

Pages. 

5 . Incidental Storm Music. 

6. Song and Chorus, "Some Folks will Growl.'" — Neptune, Eu- 

charis, Hebe and Nymphs. 

7. Air: '■'•My Name is Patrick Biankay.'" Chorus: Oh, yes. Oh, 

yes, the thing is clear, Casabiankay Crew, and Chorus. 

8. Romance: '■'■Faded Flowers,'''' 'L.-3>.YoxQ\^yx-d\xQ. 

9. Finale to Act I.: 

a. "Come to the Country that's Waiting.'" — Ilebe, Eucharis 
and Chorus. 
, b. Trio — "Spring, Spring with Ease.'" — Neptune Eucharis and 
Hebe. 
c. The same — Grand Chorus. 



Act II. 

10. Chorus: ^^ The Public is a Very Fickle Maiden,''' Jupitereans 

1 1. Solo and Trio: '■'■One Party's In,'' Jupiter, Vesta and Diana. 

12. Ballad: '■'•There's a Spot in My Heart that is Vacant," Juno. 

13. Air and Chorus: '■'■N^othing to Wear," Juno and Nymphs. 

14. Grand March. 

15. ^^ Inaugural Song" ^2A., Patocrats. and Jupitereans. 

16. Quintette '■-Sneezing," Cas., Crew, Apollo, Nep., and Bacchus. 

17. Ballad: '■'•Does He Love Me?" La Foreignaire. 

18. Concerted Piece: A Band of Kinsmen." Trio and Chorus: 

'■'■Keep talking It Over," Vesta, Bac, Jupiter, and 
Jupitereans. 

19. Duet: When Your Place and Aloney' s Lost," ]\\p\Xtr and Juno. 

Air and Trio: '■'■Then its Make Room for Somebodv," La 
Foreignaire, Jupiter and Juno. 

20. Finale: 

a. "Five Tipsy Fellows." — Cas. Crew, Nep., Apollo, Bacchus. 

/'. "Keeper of a Dungeon Cell." — Hook and Pages. 

c. "Oh, Upper Dogs Look Out!'" — ^Jupiter, Vesta and Diana. 

21. Grand F'lhale: "Upper Dogs Look Out," "We're all Tipsy," 

"Keeper of a Dungeon Cell," Concerted. 



Act III. 

22. Chorus: " ?f'^>^/, " Patocrats. 

23. Song and Chorus: ^"^ I do not HoldanOffi.ee,'''' Mercury, Hebe, 

Euch.. and Patocrats, 

24. Duet: '■'•Memory,'" La Foreignaire and Juno. 

25. Recitative: ^Q^iwxvQ.. Song and Quartette: '■-We Must Pack Up 

and Fly Azaay-" Neptune, Apollo, Cas. , and Crew. 

26. Grand Finale: Chorus, '"The Public is a Very Fickle Maiden." 

Solo, "Does He Love Me." Grand Chorus, "Oh. come 
to the Country of Freedom," and "Good Night, Sweet 
Dreams." 



Properties: 

Properties as required for the Scenes. 

Act I. 

Telegraph Message and Book; Auction Flag; Small Toy Flag; 
Large Law Book; Royal Dungeon as described; Five Cent Piece, 
Golden Boats; Cipher Despatch; Ticket; Thunder and Lightning; 
Small Steamer to be burnt and disappear; Raft; Oars; tishing Line; 
Bait; Faded Flowers; Empty Whiskey Bottle; Swings; A large Eagle 
with Car attached. 

Act II. 

Arms; Very long Segar; Matches; Old Trunk; Chewing Gum. 

Act III. 

Newspapers, Handkerchiefs; Purse of Money; Box of Salt. 
lurniture as Called For. 




''BY JUPITER." 



ACT FIRST. 

Scene: 

On the Earth— Sea Shore and Beach— Rocks built out R. and L. — 
The Sea C. stretching back into perspective — Horizon. 

Scenic Effects in course of Act as described. 

Curtain Rises on Chorus of Sea Nymphs in Golden Boats, led by 
Neptune. 

Opening Chorus, '■'■The Curtain Now Has Risen,'" and Solo ivith 
Chorus, '■'■rm Neptune Brave." 

Chorus, Sea Nymphs: 
The curtain now has risen on the first scene of the play, 
The scene that's first to be seen, the first scene of the play, 
You see the sea is seen here, and so are we to-day. 
Prepared Old Neptune's wishes to obey, to obey. {Repeat.) 

Nepttine, {Solo "/'w Neptune Brave.) {Coming from Boat to down 
C.) 

I'm Neptune brave, king bee of the Sea, 
Boss of the Water and a T. A. B., 
Prohibition'' s the thing for me, 
I never spoil whiskey with water! 

I take my own way for I'm self-willed, 

A spirit pure and undistilled, 

If all spirits were like me, what should we do 

With the Speci-al Agents of the Revenue? 

I'm of the Sea the President, 

On having my way I'm always bent, 

I never shall want, I've the inside track, 

For I take but I never, no, never give backl 

Sea Nymphs, {Chorus.) 

He's of the Sea the Presid.nt, 

On having his way he's always bent, 



S BY JUPITER. 

He never will want, he's the inside track, 

For he takes but he never, no, never gives backl 

{Music stops.) 
Enter Eucharis L. 
Euch . 
Hal Neppy, do I see you? Yes, I do! 

NeJ>. 
That speech is quite uncommon. 

Eu<:A. 
Why? 

A/^ep. {Crossing.) 
Because its true! 

Euch. {Going to him.) 
I say — 

Ay'/. ( Turning sharply upon her.) 

Dont interrupt me— let me dash on, — 

On earth the truth is rather out of fashion! 

Euch. 

( Taking hold of hi??i — reproachfully .) 
Dont say that. Neppy, for I've heard a story 
About a man whose name is full of glory, 
Who, some one hundred years ago and more, 
Being truthful even to the core, 
With <■(' /--responding virtues — 

The Weeper. 
Dont do it again! 

Euch. 

With corresponding virtues, once replied, 
When asked who cut the cherry tree — 

Nep. 

( Taking her mysteriously down to footlights., looking cautiously 
around, then benditig do7on her head, putting his mouth near her ear 
and shouting.) 

{In ordinary voice). The jnan has died ! 

I know the story though I cannot match it. 
The story took a iertile mind to hatch it! 

Enter Hebe R. litnping. 
Ah, Hebe, what kept the fairest of my daughters? 



BY JUPITER 1) 

Hebe. 
Lear..i ly that clubs are trumps at Police HeadquartersI 

Eiich. 
{Suddenly , hands to stomach.) 

Hark! 1 feel a step!— let's step aside and see 
Who comes this way, — I think its Mercury. 

Hebe., 

Indeed? That would not be appalling ' 
About this time, for Mercury is faliing! 
{A'otc. // gro7uir<g 7oar?/i soy insteaa ) 

Indeed! Tiiat would not be surprising 
About this t.nie. for Meicury is rising! 

Nep. 

Do not say that again, —don't be so bold. 

Mercury falbng means \\.?> growing cold! 
{Note. If growing warm say instead^ 

Do not say that again, dear girl, do not. 

Mercury rising means '\t% getting hot ! 
{Puts his arms around their waists. They try to escape embrace.) 

Easy, my dears, you like it, so keep calm, 

Although I hold you thus I mean no 'arm! 

The Weeper. 
Don't do it again! ( They retire up Stage.) 

Enter Mercury R. 
Solo with Chorus, '•'•I am a Telegraphic Boy.'''' 
Mercury, {Solo.) 

I am a telegraphic boy, 

I t^ll a graphic story, 

A bogus message sent by me's 

Not always hunky dory! 

So be careful what you send, 
Harken to my ditty. 
And you'll not have to appear 
Before some Committee! 

All, {Chorus. Shaking Index Finger at Audience. Emphasize first 
ord of each line, darting a little fonoard in unison.) 



10 BY JUPITER. 

So be careful what you send, 
Harken to our ditty 
And you'll not have to appear 
Before some Committee! 

Mercury . ( Solo . Confidentially . ) 

Yes, b3 careful what you send, 
Lest it should be translated, 
And you come to a worse end 
Than you thought was fated! 

Than the troubles you're now in, 
You may get in deeper, 
And wish you had been born a brute. 
Or a perpetual sleeper! 

All, {Repeat last four lines as before. After tvhich Exit Sed 
Nymphs in boats.) 

Nep. ( Coming forzaard. ) 
How now, good Mercury, what brings you here? 

Mer. 
( Giving Nep. Telegraph Message and Book. ) 

This message, which receipt for. Master dear. 
Sign your name, a wrong\io\xx and its done. 
This is a great country! ( Waves flag.) 

[Every ti?ne Mer. uses this phrase he waves a small Star Spangled 
Ban7ter,of the toy kind, over his head.) 

Nep. 
You want the time? Well, then, its just [striking him,) struck one! 
There, read it to me. [Hands book and message back.) 

Mer. 
Next time you speak please do not be so striking; 
Its fiom a friend, I reckon, — I recogn— ise the writing! 
This is a great country! [Reads . ) 

"The Steamer's coming and now comes the rub, 
Quick, change the weather and inform old Prob.! 
There is no time to lose in preparation. 
Upon you rests the future of the Nation.' 
And this is a great country! 

Nep. 
But is it certain our men are on board? 



BY JUPITER. 11 

Mer, 
1 know I'm bored! You'll find out if they''re there, 
Nep. {Angrily- approaching him,) 
V\\ knock you down for your impertinence, Isweir. 

Mer, ( Waving him off.) 

Oh, no, you wont. — you wont now, I'll be sworn! {going, 'm go- 
ing, going- 

Hebe. {Waving an Auction Flag,) 
Third and last chancel 

Mcr. 
Knock me down, Pm gone! 

Nep. 

Well, go; you know what to do then. 

None are to be saved but the two men ; 

These darlings will go with you, — than one three's better. 

Ench. 

We'll carry out your p^ans to the letter. 

Mer. 

Than one three's better? Yes, that's as true ns fate; 

At least we learnt some time ago that seven is beat by eight! 

And this/j a great country! 

Eitch, {Going to Jiim,) ■ 

But, Neppy, dont you think we oughter 
Take w.th us as a Herald^ some Reporter? 

Hebe. \_Going to him — other side,) 

That's so; I think we'd better take a lot, 
Together with aa artist on the spot! 

Nep. 
No; I cant trust my daughters 
To the tender mercies of Reporters; 
{Embracing and squeezin'^ them.) 

They're too much on the press! Go, do your duty. 

Mer. 

Duty is good ; it always rhymes with booty ! 
And this is a great country. 



12 BY JUPITER. 

Eitch. 
We'll save the two; as for the rest — ahem! 

Hebe. 
We'll leave the finny tribe to finny— ish them! 

The Weeper. 
Dont do it again! 

Me7-. {Sta?'ting.) 
Then here we go ; {coming back.) but hold ! I want some money. 

Nep. 

What's that? What have you done with all I've given you? 

Aler. 

I'm keeping it safe — so safe you'll never see it. 

{Turning away.) In fatt, I've lost it speculating and I'm bust ! 

Nep. {Raising arm as if to strike.) 
You thief I 

Euch. {Riishing bet%veen them.) 
No, Neppy, no! its but a breach of trust ! 

Mer. 

I put it in a mine, — its mine no more, 
^ 1 struck a sharp and he, not I, struck ore ! 
This is a great cbuntry, — develop it we must; 
As Euchy says, its but a breach of trust ! 
So just look over it ! 

Nep. 
I wont look over it. Ho! there! bring on the Royal Dungeon! 

{Music — Introduction to '■'^Fm the Keeper of a Dungeon Cell.^' Enter 
the Book carrying a large Law Book, followed by the four Pages R., 
drawing a large Dry Goods box on wheels, with one horizontal Bar {to 
be Broken,) in the rt.iddle, allowi^ig ingress atid egress on both sides . 
The box is fastened together by small catches so that it can be easily 
knocked apart. 

Concerted Piece — '■'■The Keeper of a Dungeon Cell,'''' — Book and 
Pages. 

The Book. {Solo.) 
I'm the Keeper of a Dungeon Cell; 



BY JUPITER. 13 



Page I. {Solo.) 
And his Page Number One I be ! 

The Book. {solo. ) 
What a sell it is I needn't to tell ! 



You needn't say 


Two, 


Page 2. 








Page 4. 

Four, 








Parje 3. 

And Three ! 








The Book. 


We 


run this jail 


on a 1 


novel plan; 
Page 2. 


It was taught to 


us by 


an excellent man; 


An 


excellent man say 


Page I . 
One, 








Page 2. 
Two, 








Page 4. 

Four, 








Three. 



Book and Pages. 
Who once was the Sheriff of a great Cit-ee ! 

Book {speaking.) 
The dungeon is ready; who may the victim be? 

Nep . 

Take him ! {Points to Mer.) Shut up -Mercury. 

Book. 

Surround him, my Page?. {They do so.) Mercurv 
Shut up will make a thermowctcr ! 



14 BY JUPITER. 

Nep. 
Come, Hebe, Eucharis, I'll see you for a minute; 
The game we play I thinV there's millions in it 
(^Exit Nep. Hebe and Euch. , R. ) 

Book . ■ 

Search him my Pages. {T/iey search Mercury.) 

Page I . 
Here's a "In God We Trust " five cents. 

Book, {taking it. ) 
Good for one beer ; I'll take it . 

Page 2. 

Here's a cipher despatch. 

Page I 

I sigh for the desp itch. , {Takes it,) I'll sell it to some newspaper. 

Page s- 
A ticket for a Free Lunch, 

Page 2. {tak'fig it.) 

That's just my ticket ! I'm a soup-perior person. 

Mer. 

I say, do you mean to refund ? 

Page 4. 

Refund? That's the only kind of fund we've never heard of. Refund 
must be an antiquity. If we o.ve you anything we'll make a sinking 
fund {ox yctu, Then we won't owe it. That's square, — Government 
does it. • 

Aler. 

Stuff ! 
My creditors think I'm sinking fund enough ! 

The Book. 
In a world that's round ^oxi can't expect things on the square ! 

Mer. 
Are you going to give me my money back ? this isn't fair. 

Pages, {pointing to book . ) 
Do you know who he is ? 



BY JUPITER. 15 

Mer. 
He looks as if he thought he was the only product of a Special 
Patent, and the Angels wete busy preparing a private Heaven for him 3 
Nevertheless, I want my money 

I'm the keeper; I keep er hold of all I get 

Mer. 
I'll have thi law on you. 

"Book, 

See this book ? Its a law book. (Stands on it,) Pm above the lata ! 
Put him in, boys, and come and take a drink. 

They put Mrcivy in the Dungeon and exit L. singing: -'IVe run this 
jail, etc.) 

Mer. 

A prisoner? Neptune's getting too particular; 

I'd swear but 'twould offend some one's auricular. 

I must escape, no jail was made forme, 

I'll break it, smash it, but I will be free ! 

How shall I get out of this ? 

{Steps out first R. then L. then meditates.) 
No, that won't do; its not the approved plan; 
Ah, ha ! I have it ! I'll do it like a man ! 
[Steps in, breaks the Bar, and comes out.) 
Now I am free, now let the people quail, 
At last a prisoner walks off with the jail ! 
It is a great country ! 

[Exits R. drawing the Dungeon after him.) 

Enter Neptune L, 

Nep. 

The preparation'' s now are all complete, 
The game's in my hands when I perform iSx^ feat. 
Now roll, ye seas, roll; blow, winds, blow, 
'{Stage dark.) Seize on the Steamer, take her below; 
War, all ye elements, make things warm, 
L^olj \ the Steamer comes and ditto the storm J 



16 BY JUPITER. 

{Storm Music. Storm. Thunder and Light c-ning. Small Stenmer, 
to he' burnt and disappear, appears in the distance. ) 
Now look at that, its really real, not mystic, 
Thai's what is called the gr^LXiAXy realistic. 
We have no end of Isms in this age, 
Most all as bogus as Real-/j;« on the Stage ! 

[The steamer catches fire.') 
'Tis done! the vessel's now on fire, 
She's going high for low — the flames go higher. 
Ha ! there she goes ! I thought I heard a cry, — 

{The steamer suddenly disappears .) 
She's gone ! She's gone ! And now — so am I ! 
[Says ^^ and now ^^ excitedly, then pauses, then says, "^(7 am /" 
Tery quietly and matter-of-fact, and exits quickly L.) 

( The Storm Music. Enter Casabiankay and freiu on raft. They 
are standing up, Cas. at one end and Crew in the middle, each using an 
oar. As the Raft reaches C, Crew's oar slips up, knocking Castibian- 
kay overboard. Music crash in Orchestra as the oar strikes him.) 

Cas. 
Help ! help ! I'm goin' to ther ground ! 

Creiv. 
Take ofif your head, quick, or you'll get drowned ! Hold on t 
( Takes up a fishing rod and line and baits hook while speaking.) 
Rest easy — dont you squirm, — 
Here — quick now, — b;te on the worm ! 

( Throws fishing line out to Cas. ; then draws him up on the raft 
with the hook iji his mouth.) 

[Looks at hook. Aside.) Gobbled the entire bait ! 

Cas. {spitting and shaking himself , ivringing hair, etc., as if wet all 

over. ) 
I came near changing that toime to er spook. But filt you'd save me. 

Crew. 

Yes, by hook or crook ! 
Cas. 
Niver moind ; I'm not wit, so I'll not git in er rage. {Crosses.) 

Crezv. 
Of course you're not; the sea's dry water on the stage! 

Cas. 
I wish 'twas whiskey ! But I'm moighty hungry ; I could stuff 
meself on hops. 



BY JUPITER. 1'^ 

Crezo. 
Have some more worms or eat the wind ; it's blowing /(?w/ and 
chops ! 

(They jump ashore and come forward.) 

Cas. [sitting on stage.) 

Well, here we bees, all lost save I an' you, 
Pat Casabiankay an' his frind Josh Crew. 

Creiv. {patting him.) 
Josh so. Now, come, don t look so moody, Pat, 
We'll revive all here, 111 wager a new hat ; 
Ninety and nine are lost, but we're here, lUankay, 
Safe ofif the boat and she has sank — eh? 

The Weeper. 
Don't do it again ! 

Crezi). {crossing and coming dozvn.) 
When steamers sink it hurts the census, on my word, 
They always have so many berths on board ! 
But let's be cheerful. 

Cas. 
Kape up me sphirits ! Ther trouble, by me gown, 
Is that I havint any sphirits \.o put dozjon. 

{Takes Whiskey Bottle from coat-pocket) 
Ther bottle's impty— not a single dhrop in it, 

Crezi). 

If there was it singular would be ; 

I guess we'll have to take a drop upon whiskey ! 

Cas. 
Shure, Josh, I'd loike to know jist where we be. 

Crrtv. 

I'm off the zaater and yet I am at sea ! 
Just let me see. This looks like Jer^tn' shore. 
{Looks around.) I dont see a >ingle salooQ^ this isn't New York ! 

Cas. 
Me fate are wit, I want dhry socks. I do, 
Aiiit there some fhruit sthore about here, frind Crew ? 



18 BY JUPITER. ] 

CreTV. 
A fruit store to get socks? That's new, I swear, 

Cas. 
Isn't a fhruit sthore ther place to git a pair ? 

The Weeper. 
Oh! \(Stays on.) 

Crew. 

My feet are wet and I don't care z. fig / 

Weeper. 
Oh: Oh! {Stays on.) 

Cas. [r/'sing.) 
That's no rayson why I shouldn't want er rig 
At thir prisint date. 

Weeper. 
Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Don't do it again ! {Exits as usual. 

Creiv. 

Of rigging I should think you'd had enough; I swear, and 

think I oughter, 
I'll never go to sea again — if I have to go by zt/ater ! 
When I'm at sea the water makes me toss, 

I zz.xvx\o\. profit for Pve so much loss! {Imitates sea-sickness.) 
Now here we're wrecked, — away, away, ye tears ! 
{Imitates Wowing tears from his eyes.) 

Cas. 
Ther faults — 

Crew, {angrily . ) 
Hold on till the tear's away ! 

{Wipes his eyes ivith Cas.'' con t -tail.') 

Cas. 

Ther fault''s ther Captain's an' ther Ingineer's, 
Both fasht asleep an' dhrunk, ther beauties, 
When they should bin attendin' to ther duties ! 

Crerv. 

Well, here we are, and you are right, I guess. 
We're wreckedy you see, through others r^^rX'-lessness, 



BY JUPITER. ^9 

Enter Nepttme L. 
Nep. 
Hold ! Don't blame the Captain or the crew, 
They didn't know their business, it is true, 
Jjut /raised the storm at sea in all its fury, 

{Enter Eucharis and Hebe. R ) 
And— 

Euch. and Hebe. 
"No one to blame " is the verdict of the jury ! 

Song and Chorus—'' Some Folks will Growl:' 
Nep. {solo.) 

Some folks will growl, 
And bark and nowl. 
And get into a fury ; 
But then, you see, 
'Twixt you and me, 
They won't serve on a jury ! 

Euch., Hebe, and Sea Nymphs. 
But then, you see, 
'Twixt you and me, 
They won't serve on a jury ! 

Nep. {solo.) 
I think it's rough, ; 

It's quite enough, 
(And 1 say it demurely,) 
That citizens who 
Make most ado. 
Swear off of the jury ! 

Ench., Hebe, and Sea Nymphs. 
That citizens who make most ado, 
Swear off of the jury ! 

Cas. {speaking. ) 

Old man, who are yez ? {Pointing to Eucharis.) Who's this 
purty Miss ? 

Nep {presc ting her.) 
Allow me to present fair Eu ris. 



20 BY JUPITER. 

Crezv. [grabbing her.) 
Euky, I love you ! Buy a dress and charge it to me, Crew. 
I'll foot the bill, {zmth motion aside) and the man who brings it 

too! {kicks Cas. by accident.) 
Beg pardon, I was carried away by my thoughts so sweet ! 

Cas. 
Indade ! A case ov rush ov brains to the feet ! {to Neptune.) An 
this swate rose, who moight she be? {patting Hebe under the chin.) 

Nep. 

She be? Why, no, dear Sir, its He-be? 

Crew. 

How can Hebe she be? 
How can she be Hebe? 

Nep. 

To these fair ones each of you owes his hfe. 

Crew: {aside.) 

That's good, but I'm not fishing for a wife ! 
Euch. {to Hebe.) 
Oh, what a man ! so handsome and well read! {Pointing to Cas'' . 
hair.) 

Hebe. 

I sea he is by looking at his head! 

Cas.: \to Neptune.) 
Its glad I am to say yez, I am indade 
But moight I ask why us this thrick yez played? 

Nep. 

That's what I'm here to tell you. Now listen, 
\ propose to make you o. propos-iiiow, 
{Cas. and Cre7u sit down on Stage in an absurd position, hands to 
their ears, heads touching, and listen.) 

The Gods and many of their subjects long have cried, 

Being with Jupiter's government dissatisfied, 

(For though its good and honest, as they know, 

Yet the truth is the goverumert is slow^} 

So, hearing of its name, and no less 

Of its achievements, and its great progress 



BY JUPITER. 21 

Suiee from its mother it was torn asunder. 
Which make the U. S. of the world the wonler. 
These Gods and subjects thought, both greit a:id snial', 
They'd like to try for change a Kuler mortal, 
You've been selected to come up above 
And be for us our President and Gov.! 
Fiieuds, am I correct ? 

Sea Ny7?iphs; {Together.) 
You are ! 

Cas. {Jumping lip.) 

Och, shure, whin I came over — its thrue that same, — 

I knew I'd get ov money lots an' fame, 

An' that 1 would whin landed on the shore. 

Soon hold an offish or p'raps a schore ! 

But this, it surely proves to me 

A grate counthry is Ameriky ! 

For this is more than ive'r I ixpicted, — 

Conshlder, Sir, your ofl'er as axcipted ! [Shakes his h'.uid till he 
sijiiirnis and then turns around; t/un takei hold of other hand and 
shakes that till he turns back, all the time paying attention to Crew; 
after Neptune gets his hands away, keeps up motion as if he still had and 
was shaking it until Neptune s speaking causes him to turn around when 
he discovers he has not hold of his hand. ) 

Crew . {Rising — aside to Cas.) 

Promise anything and everything — don't hesitate. 
Promises are the best part of a candidate ! 
When you have an office, why, its your own, 
Then you can buit youi'iielf and go it alone ! 
The doctrine of the piesent day, you see. 
Makes an office personal property! 
And this is a great country ! 

Nep. 

Your friend's to come with you — its been thought wiser 

That you should bring along some good 2Ldi-viser. 

And now, liege lord, my thanks; you'll fill the mission? 

Cas. 

An' poor play bi an Pat becomes thin a Pat-rich-ian! 

All rit^ht, ould man; but me relatives, can't they come too ? 



•22 BY JUPITER. 

Nep. 
Well— not at present. 

Crew. {To Cos.) 
Say no more about it- -just keep steady. 

iVep. 
Well, gentlemen, let's go get ready. 
Air—'-'MyA'^aine is Patrick Biankay.'" and Chorus — ''Oh, yes, oh, 
yes, the thing is Clear.'''' 

Cas. [Solo.) 

Me name is Patrick Biankay, 
I ym a Dimmycrat; 
I'm goin' ter hold an ofifish now 
That's luchrative an' fat; 
I'm goin' ter hold an offish 
An' have all that I wish, 
A iivin' is made aisy 
If you're a polifsh ! 

Creto. [Solo.) 

Oh, yes, oh, yes. the thing is clear, 

We're goin' to hold an office, boys, of that we have no fear; 
Oh, yes, Sir, jes, oh, }es. Sir, its 'known to every dear, 
A new party is wanted and the new party is here! 

Neptune, Eiich., Hebe arid Sea NympJis. {Chorus:.} 

{Marching around Cas. arid Crew.) 

Oh, yes, oh, yes, the thing is clear. 

We're going to hold an office, boys, of that we have no fear; 
Oh, yes. Sir, yes, oh, yes, Sir, its known to every dear, 
A new party is wanted and the new party is here ! 

Crew. {Solo.) 

My name is Joshua Crew, 

I have been a Repub. 

But I can change to anything, 

Whenever comes the rub ! 

A Labor man or Democrat, 

Repub. and all the rest. 

It all depends which seems to suit 

The darling public best ! 



BY JUPITER. '23 

Cas. (So/o.) 

Oh, yis, oh, yis, the thing is clear, 

We're goin' ter hold an ofhsh, ov that we have no fear. 
Oh, yis. Sir, yes, oh, yis. Sir, its known to ivery dear, 
Er new party is wanted an' ther new party is here! 

{Striking himself.') 

Chorus as Before. 

During Chorus all viarch out L, U. E., Neptwnp leniiv^iavd Crew 
bringing up the r,ar a little behind. La Fo'ei 8,^1 aire ent rs R. U. E., 
crosses hitfriedly and as Crew is about to exit pulls him violently back 
and down C- by his ear. 

La F. 
Ah, ha ! I haf gotten you, mon gay deceivaire ! Do you 'ear? 

Crerv. 
T not only hear but I feel. So, you're safe, eh ? 

La F. 
Vou think to escape me ? T go down in ze ship, eh? Nevare ! You 
promise to marry me, r-r-rascal ! 

Creiv, (Asid.'.) 
Um ! I promised to marry every woman on the boat ! (loud.) Did I? 

La E. (Shoiuing faded Boquet.) 
You gafe it me dese faded flowers! 

Crew. 

Look here! don't yo:i call me mean. I've loved sixty-two girls t'lis 
year and I never gave nny of them fadrd flowers [Aside.) There 
were some faded flowers among them, though I 

La L. 
Eh? You can not fool ze foreignaire ! 

Creio. (aside.) 
I dont want any foreign air: it don't agree with me. 

La E 
Sacre ! you gafe it me dese faded flowers ! 



24 BY JUPITER. 

Romance— '■'■Faded /'lowers.''' 

IVJiile she sings Crew goes back to Raft and fishes. 

La F. 

Only a few faded flowers, 
But yet they are dear to me, 
Though dead as the days of pleasure 
I never again shall see; 
Only a few faded flowers, 
Their perfume has passed away, — 
Oh, life it is very fleeting, 
And the night succeeds the day ! 



\ Rept 



•at. 



\ Repeat. 



2. 

Only a few faded flowers, 

Their fragrance and beauty have fled, 

And the hand and the heart that gave them, — i z? a . / 

Ah ! the hand and the heart are dead ! \ J ■ • 

Only a few faded flowers 

Exhaling no perfumed breath, 

But, oh, how dear a trifle's made i /? /, / 

By the cruel hand of death ! J 

{Crew comes dozvn.) 
{The Book and Pages enter R. U. E. in a line.) 
Crew, {aside.) 
I must get nd of this loving creature, {a/oud.) Say, are you going ! 

La F. 
Nevare ! 

Crei-V. {aside.) 

Desperate cases require desperate remedies, {aloud.) All right. 
{Takes his coat off and throzvs it behind him. The Book picks it up 
and it is thrown down the line of Pages.) Say, are you going now ? 

Lm F. 
Sacre ! Nevare ! 

Crezv. 
All right. {Takes off" his Vest. Business as before.) Say, going 
now? 

La F. (hand oi'er her face.) 
Nevare ! Nevare ! 



BY JUPITER. 25 

Crew, 
All right. ( Takes off R. boot. Bits, etc.) Going now? 

La F. [hoth hands to face, bid peeping through jingcrs.) 
Nevare vill 1 leave you ! 

Crezo. [aside.) 
Thunder! how much more? [aloud,) All right. [Kicks off L. 
boot. Bus. etc.) Say, going now ? [Throrus off Suspenders.) 

The IVeeper. 
Don't do it again ! 

La F. [hands off face.) 
Not mooch ! You no sea-red me ! 

[Exit Book and Pages L\. U. E.) 

Crew. 

Come on, then. Hello ! where are my things ? Have I fallen among 
the police ? Lucky I didn't take off everything ! 

Lax F. 
Ah, ha ! I have-et you ! 

Crew ; 

Rather ! Come on ! Hello ! here they come ! 

Re-enter Neptiine followed by Cas. with LLebe. on one arm and 
Eurcharis on the other, followed by Sea Nytnphs zuho form around 
Stage in Picture, leaving open space at C. back. 

Nep. 
All is arranged to carry us to the sky, 
Here comes ths Bird with which we'll take a fly ! 
A very large Eagle comes down C. back. From its mouth hano-s a 
handsome Car. 

Crew. 
Arrah ! phat kind ov burd is that so raygle ? 
Ther signboard ov Amerikj^ — ther Aygle ? 
Guv me a balloon ! 

Crezv. 
No, t;ike this. A balloon, alas! alas! 
Like many oiher things is upheld by gas! 



26 



BY JUPITER. 



FINALE TO ACT I. 



A. '•'•Come to the Country that's IVaitingy 

Hebe, Eu char is and Chorus. 

B. Trio — '•'■Spring, Spring, Spring mith ease.'''' 

Neptune, Euch. and Hebe. 

('. '^^ Spring, Spring, etc., — Grand Chortis. 

A. '■'•Come to the Country thafs IVhititig. 

Hebe and Euch . 
Oh, come to the country that's waiting, 
chorus, {ensemble.) 

That's waiting ! 

H .&- E, 
And be welcomed with joy and delight; 

Chorus. 



H &- E. 
We'll give you a ballot and office, 

Chorus. 

H d- E. 
And two, if you cant read or write ! 

Chorus. 



Then come on I 



i hen come on ! 



H. &- E. 



Chorus. 



H. &^ E. 



Chorus. 



And delight 



And office ! 



Read or write ! 



Oh, come on ! 



Oh, come on ! 



HV JUPITER. 27 

//. d- E. 
For we want a Republic al)ove ! 

Chorus. \ Tos[etht'i\ 

Want a Republic above ! ^ 

H. d- E. 
You'll have fun ! 

C/uvus. 

You'll have fun ! 

// d- E. 
In the Sun ! 

Chorus. 

In the Sun ! 

H. &^ E. 
Autl be welcomed with joy and with love ! . 

Chorus. f Together. 

\Velcomed with joy and with love ! 



r Toget 



2. 

H. &- E. 
We've no time to attend to our voting ! 

Chorus. 

Our voting ! 

H. &- E. 
Bus'ness keeps us up early and late ! 

Chorus. 

Early and late ! 

H. ^ E. 
No ref'rence we'll ask you before for, 

Chorus. 

Before for ! 

H. &- E. 
And we never will investigate ! 

Chorus. 

Invesliuate ! 



•2S BY JUPITER. 

H. d- E. 
TheM come on ! Etc. as before into 

B. Trio — ^'Spring, Spring, Spring zoith Ease.'' '' 

( This is to be siing7vith a sivinging niovemeiit. A number of szvings 
are let down R. and L. with Sea Nymphs or Goddesses in them. 

N'ep., Eiich. and Hebe. 

Then spring, spring, spring wi-h ease. 
Only yourself you'll have to please; 
Spring, spring, you answer our call, 
Salary's large and no work at all ! 

All. Grand Chorus — in motion. 
Spring, spring, spring with ease. 
Only yourself you'll have to please, 
Spring, spring, you answer our call. 
Salary's large and no wjrk at all ! {Repeat. 

JVhile the Chorus sing Neptune, Crew, Cas., Hebe., Eticharis and 
La Foreignaire enter the Car attached to Eagle. Sea Nymphs for )n 
picture aromid Stage and the Eagle spreads his wings and commences to 
ascend as the curtain comes down. 

THE END OF ACT FIRST. 




BY JUPITER. 23 



ACT SECOND. 



unTk TTiEaiE xiE.^^"\rEJxrs. 



Scene: 



Hall of Reception opening at hack on to the Milky Way ; vi.iu be- 
yond from L. C. and A'. C. to R. and L. at back, stretching into pers- 
pective — Golden Walls and Golden Seats and Couches — Brilliantly 
colored wide steps at C. back leading up and into Palace Room of State^ 
the Outer Wall and Door of which are at th ir head — On each side of 
Stair7oay are bright flowers leading to the Milky Way, that forming a 
sort of Terrace — On a dias R. a Golden Throne — Everything on a 
Scale of Magnificence. 



Curtain rises on Vesta ana Diana C. stir rounded by Jupiiereans. 
Opening Chorus— ^^ The Piddic is a Vejy Fickle Maiden " — Jitpi- 



tereans. 



Oh, the Public is a very fickle maiden 
Whose mind is ever undergoing change, 

And its Rulers are with troubles heavy laden, 
Such little acts the raaiden may estrange ! 

She keeps them freezing and she keeps them torrid, 
To-day's embrace to-morrow may have cooled, 

Its hard to tell when she wants something solid. 
And when she'd rather be a little fooled. 

Oh, 

She keeps them freezing and she keeps them torrid, 
To day's embrace to-morrow may have cooled, 



■AO BY JUPITER. 

It's hard to tell when she wants something solid. 
And when sheM rather be a little fooled! 
i^Exit Jupiter eans R. &= L.) 

Vesta: {Sitting on sUp of thi'om.) 
It seems to me 
A sudden fit of insanity 
Has siezed on Jupiter s subjects. He must leave! 

Diana. 
Alas ! alas ! And yet it's most I grieve 
That we fall with him victims of the storm ; 
Examples bright of Civil vService Reform ! 

Vesta. [Rising and joining them.) 
That cannot stand when Rulers change; howe'er one toils, 
It's to the Victor that belongs the spoils; 
And so, despite the Civil Service, it's clear to me 
That they'll not serve ns very civil-\y\ 
Could I have seen this pass I now might be 
A prominent member of the new party! 

Diana : 
It's quite too bad that one can never tell 
The best time from old parties to rebel ; 
Just when you think the people are with you, 
Presto ! they change, and out you go ! 

Vesta. 

Too true ! 

Let's cry and find relief from our pain! {They cry ridiculously . 
Vesta in the C\ uohen they cry each one leans over on the otherXs 
shoulder^ they standing in line.) No, not that kind of cry, but rrj/» 
cry again. [They cry again.) 

Diana . 
Ah ! here comes Jupiter. And see ! he seems forlorn. 

Enter Jupiter R. 
jfup. {very tragically.) 
Why was I born? {Suddenly to them.) Do any of you know ? 
Ah, woe is me!— yet once again, ah, woe ! 
( They wail absurdly.) 



HV JUPl'lER. U 

The hour is here, — who dares lu say it aint? 
I'm very sick, I fear I'm going lo faint ! 

D/. and Vesta. {Supporting him ivith great effort.^ 
Oh, (loii't, great Jnpiler, stand fast. 

Jupiter. 
I can't htai.d loose. I5ut I didn't mean a real faint — I meant a 



couiiter-fi: . 

A id I am cast down. 



Uut yet its come at last, 

Diana, [aside.', 

And that makes him do7c>neast .' 



Jupiter. 
My prestige and my glory now have flown, 
And from my throne I, Jupiter, am throiun .' 
When one knows one must go, — the case is mine, — 
Than to be kicked out it's better lo resign ! 
And so I've done it. 

Diana. 
It's too unkind ! Your government was honest and hearty, 
And royally well, indeed, y^.i served your party ! 

Vesta. 
in teed you did. Alas ! for all your zeal, 
That they who steal should not be true as steel. 

Jupiter. ' 
Ah, well, my ruler's crown I now must doff, 
The public never knows when it's well off ; 
It is the public's loss, I'm sure, not mine, 
They'll soon regret they forced me to resign. 
I now must go, but where I do not know. {Leaving.) 

Diana, {detaining him.) 
What, leave here? Jupiter, do not go ! 
If you have lost your place still here remain, — 
Who knows .'' Ere long you may get back again ! 

Vesta, {going to him ) 
And let me beg that you wid change your mind ; 
Vou h tve resigned, so let us be resigned ; 
We'll keep our eyes wide open :ind some day 
Of this new party make an expose. 



32 BY JUPITER. 

Jupiter. 
You're right, good friends ; it's but a question of time, I have 

no doubt, 
How long before the party /;; becomes the party out ! 

Solo and Trio —'■'•One Party's In.'''' 
Jupiter^ ( Solo. ) 

One party's in, 
Yet there's no dovibt 
The party in is l)Ound to go out ! 

I'll not despair 
Though I've the sack, 
Some day they'll want me, then I'll go back I 

Party's a mme, 
And that is all ; 
All play the same game, — all make a haul I 

All cry Reform, 
Yet there's no doubt, 

Onct; they have got in, Reform'' s got out ! 
Trio — Vesta, Diana and Jupiter. 

One party's in, 
Yet there's no doubt 
The party in is bound to go out ! 

We'll not despaii 
Though we've the sack, 
Some day they'll want us, then we'll go back ! 

Jupiter, {speaking.) 

Come my friends; you are right. We will watch and wait. 

[They exit K. U. E.) 

Enter Juno R. 
Juno. 

My name's Juno, — ^Jupiter's betterhalf, — 

Wait till you see me through before you laugh ; — 

Just now I have a serious task to do, 

And most I grieve that I must hide from view 

Of those I love the object I've in hand, 

To make my Jupy once more rule the land. 

Now to get hand-in-hand with this man Crew, 

To make him love me and my will to do, 

And then you'll see how I will put him through ! 



BY JUPITER, 33 

And how, though men appear to act in the world human, 
The power beaiad the throne is always woman ! 
Ah! here he comes! Now let me sing my love. 
( IV/iile she sins^s Crew enters L. and looks at her from all parts of 
the stage, all the time chnvlng vigorously on a large piece of Gum which 
he occasionally takes out of his mouth and gazes at.) 

Ballad— ''There's a Spot in my Heart that is Vacant:'— Juno. 

Juno. 
There's a spot in my heart that is vacant, 
And crying, my darling, for thee ; 
And ateeling before that was latent, 
Now lives there and breathes there for thee ! 
Then tell me, please tell me, my darling, 
Oh, tell me that mine you will be; 
There's a spot in my lieart that is vacant, 
And only can filled be by thee ! _ 

2. 

There's a home that is waiting for some one. 
Yes, waiting, my darling, for thee; 
And a nice little wife in the bargain, 
My darling, if you will have me ! 
Tnen say me not nay, oh, my darling, 
But answer me '' I will be thine ;" 
There's a spot in my heart that is vacant, 
And will be until you are mine ! 
Crew. 

( Taking Gum out of his mouth and sticking it on the Scene carefully. 
Aside.) 

My ! isn't she sweet ! Oh, have I loved always ? 
No, never ! never \—for a couple of days ! 

[Advances to her. Aloud.) 
Who are you ? 

Juno. 

Juno, my sweet. 
Crew. [Aside.) 
She talK 'n3 sweet ! [Aloid. ) \re you a widow ? 

J:, no. 
No Wh/ !o yi)U ask? 



3i KV JUPI rER< 

Because 

iVldows have trouble tncide for S:nx 'ors ! 

yiino. 
I am the wife of Japiter, my love ! 

Crew. 
Indeed ! I've oft been told to take a wife; but whose? 
Until just now I really couldn't choose ! {Ogles her.) 

Jitno. ( Offering her hands.) 

Oh, take me, darling, and I will be true ! 

Cr,w. ( Taking her hands but holding her off.) 

To only one of us or to the two ? 
With your sex it is a rule I own, 
Either to pass or else to go it alone ! 

yuiio. 
I'll be half yours, half his — wont that be fine ? 

Crew, {dropping her hands and coming doion.) 
Um ! That will depend upon which half is mine ! 

Juno. {Coming dozvn after him.) 

Then all yours I'll be. Oh, refus3 me not, 
In me you'll fini a treasure you have got ; 
I love you, sweety, and I o^vn your sway, 

I and my Nymphs, {Enter a number of Nymphs A\) your 7c/// 
w///obey. 

Crew. {Aside.) 
My ! here's some more ! Oh, do I love them too ? 
They're all so pretty I'm afraid I do! 
Oh, Heaven ! when you mide them on my heart to call, 
Why dida't you fix it so I'd own them all ! 

( Walks around them, examining thei/i.) 
Short on clothes ! {to jfano.) And so are you ! 

yiino. 
I'll take a silk. 

Crew. 
You shall have it 



i;V jri'iTKk. 

yuno. 

Cf'tWi. 
Take a chair ; that's S(if in ! 



A; d .1 Satin, loo. 



The Weeper. 
Dont do it again ! 

Crexv. 
Like all your sex I presume you've nau ;ht to wear'/ 

Juno. 
Indeed I've not, and I cannot bear it. 

Shake ! You've nothing to wear and you almost wear il ! 
So'ig and Choftis - "-^ Nothing to Weary — yuno and Nymphs. 
[During Song Crew goes from one to the other examining the;// 
eritically and striking different lovesick attitudes.) 

yuno. [Solo.) 
I've silks and I've satins I've reps and delaines. 
All selected with paMence and care, 
But the truth to tell, however it pains, 
I really have nothing to wear ! 

Nymphs. — [Chorus — dancing. ) 

Oh! 
Nothing to wear ! Nothing to wear ! 
Her sorrows are more than she can bear; 
Poor woman 1 she's trunks full of dresses, 
Yet she really has nothing to wear ! 

2. yujto. 
It's the chronic, most chronic affliction 
Of the sex which is known as the fair, 
No matter how large their wardrobes may he, 
To always have nothing to wear ! 

Chorus, etc., as before, during which all d.tnce offR. and L.. Crev<. 
iryin:!^ to catch yuno who eludes him. 

Music and loud cheering heard without. Enter on the Milky l\ ay 
Hrass Band followed by a regiment of Gods and Goddesses led by A/a/i 



36 BY JUPITKR. 

71ic Band and Orchestra play Grand March. At saiiie time enter R. 
and L., Piitocrats and Jtipitt-reans. The Patocrats occupy R. side of 
Stiii^e, the Jupitereans the L. 

Grand March of th^ Gods and Goddesses, after 7ohich they Jorin 
around the Stage. March ad lid. 

En^er down the steps Neptune followed by Casahiaukay, Cre7V bring- 
ing up the rear. {^Las. wears an old plug hat .) Music stops. Loud 
cheers from the Patocrats, groans from the Jupitereans . 

Neptune. 

Dear friends, kind friends, shut up ! be quiet ; 
I'll call the military if you want a riot ! 

i'as. [Half drunk.) • 

Shure, let them yill unto ther heart's contint, 
On lettin' ther payple have their way I'm bint ! 

Patocrats. 
Hurrah for Pat and Josh ! 

fupiterians . 
That's all a lot of bosh ! 

Inaugural Song — Cas., Patocrats and Jupiter ians; 

Cas. 
Now to ther payple me love I sind, 
Ther love that comes from ther laborer's frind, 
An' they shall have all that they wish, 
An' ivery poor man shall be made rich ! 

P.tocrats. 
Oh, for the poor man what a dish ! 

Cas. 

An' ache one better than his naybor shall be — 
Pervided they niver interfare wid me I 
yupiterians . (Singing to each other as if saying, "/ told you so.'') 

Oh, now it is very plain to see 
That all he says is fidd I l' -dee-dee ! 

2. Cas. 
'An now I'm here we'll h: ve a nf w age, 
Suffer in'' women will have their suffrage; 
Ther Commune too shall be satisfied, 
An' no one shall pay ;i cint lo r.de ! 



BY JUPITER. 37 

Patocrats. 
It's long for this, indeed, we've tried 1 

Cas. 
Yis, property shall common be — 
Unliss it happens to belong to me ! 

Jupitcreans. 
Ah, now it is very plain to see 
That all he says is fiddle-dee-dee ! 

J. Cas. 
One hour shall be a full day's work, 
An' ivery one be allowed to shirk ; 
An' all shall be Bosses and Sarvints none, 
An' Goviriiment work shall be niver done ! 

Patocrats. 
For this we've struggled and at last we've won ! 

Cas. 
An' ther ballot-box shall be perfectly free— ' 

Pervided iverybody votes lor me ! 

jfiipitcreans. 
Ah, now It is verj> plain to see 
That all he says is fiddle-uee-dee ! 

{Additional topical and local verses to be added.) 
HERE INTRODUCE THREE OR FOUR FIRST-CLASS SPECIALTIES. 

iVep. 
You wont be quiet for us ? i'hii wont do ; 
I'll have to put a quiet -us on you ! 
Otit of this Hall and leave us here in clover 
You're no use to^us now E.ectijn's over ! 
{Gods and Goddesses charge on Patocrats and Jupitcreans and dr.ve 
them otit R. U. E. and L U E., following them.) 

Nep. (To Cas.) 
Welcome, most noble Lord, unfo this Hall, 
To all we have you're welcome,- -yes, to all. 

Crew. [Aside.) 
Allri^h ; 'CU ma.ke a haul/ 



38 BV JUPITER. 

Nep. 

The people are delighted you to greet ; 
Now, Mr. President, please to take your seaf. 
{Cas. attempts to mount t/w throne and stuinbies. A'ep. and Crew 
lift him up and seat him after much difficulty.^ 

Crctv. {Aside.') 

It's as 1 fhunk. 
The jjy'.s loo much for him, — he's very ^sober ! 

Nep. 
And now your Excellency's head of the Nation, what will ^ ou have ? 

Cas . 
{Bending over and almost falling out of thron:.) 
Whiskey straight ! 

Nep. 

Excuse me ; to make a Cabinet's the first thing to do. 

m 

Cas. 

Make a Cabbynet? On that jist take a dhrop, 
Be jabers ! I'll not run 'a furniture shop ! 
I can't have a dhrink, I'm shut out from ther Bar, 
A smoke I must have, — who's got a Segar? 

Enter Apollo R. with a very long Segar. 
Apollo. 
I have. I thought for smoking that you had a bent, 
And brought it as a present to the /^;v^/-dent. 

Cas. 
{Coming do^vn and taking it. Lights it and rests on N^eptune'' s 
shoulder'). 

Thanks, my purty boy; for this 
I'll now appint yez to er g^ood offish. 
(7rt!/^/«§"/z«/ ^^.) What's there foolish in me hat that makes yez 
bthare ? 

Creta. {aside. ) 
There's nothing foolish in it zv hen your head'' s not there ! 



BY JUPITER. 3^t 

Cas. {to Apollo,) 
Can yez play Poker? {Moves so that lighted end of C'v^ar strikes 
hi 1)1. ) 

Apollo, (jumping (7war.) 
1 can, as well as many other games. 

Cas, 
Thin I'll make yez Minister to St. James ! 

Apollo. 
Oh, thinks; you'nrtoo kind. It will just suit me 
If now you'll doub'e up the salary ! 
And though my vState will be deserted when I go, 
Make not a territory of O-hi-o ! 

{^Cas. during Apollo'' s speech waves his hand dep>ecatiugly as if to 
■say, '" Its nothing to thank me for.'''') 

Crew, {to Apollo.) 

Take this advice from one who ought to know : 

Come it easy when you cross the sea, 

You'll nivQx co??ie it with a Comtjiit-i&e: 

From one sin keep, — from being found out I meau, 

Let no one see you even if you'' re seen ! 

Apollo, 

Whoever comes for me I'll surely fetter, 
And you can bet I'll go them all one bet-\.Qx. 

Nep. 
There are other places, —1 might Bny placers — which cannot wait 1 
Appointments must be made and first the head of State. 

Cas. 
To that persishun I appint Mike tber Schreamer ! 

Crew. 
Who's he ? 

Cas. 
Me brother! He's coniin' over on the nixt Stheamerl 

Xep. 
Well that's all ri^ht; but now for me, dear Pat : 



40 BY JUPITER. 

I think an office I .should have that's fat, — 
Something that's good and carries lots of gravy, 

Cas. 
Phat do yez say ter bain' head ov ther Navy ? 

Nep. 
Oh, tliaiiks; twill do first rate to try on; 
The vessels we now have I'll sell for old iron, 
And new onps buy which strong enough shall be 
To travel anywhere — except to sea ! 

(Cas. nio-c'is. Seijar business, etc, as before.) 
Crew. 
So far so good. Now, Patrick, measure me; 
I think that I should have the Treasury \ 

Cas. 
Yer shall. Pll Civil Service Reform the man that's in cut ! 
Creza. {Aside — couiing aiuay down.) 
Now this will set my mighty brp.in to think 
How to provide the people all with chink ! 
If I succeed I will, as sure as Fate, 
Become a future Presidential Candidate ! 

Enter Bacchus R. drawing an old trunk. 

Bac. 
Ha! Neppy and Polly, here you are, I see. 

Cas. 
Who are yez ? 

Bac. 
I'm the God of Jersey Lightning and Whiskey ! 

Cas. 

Yez are ? It's glad I am to face yez ! 

Come lo me arrums, I must embrace yez ! {They embrace, Cas. 

almost squeezing the life out of Bacchus.) 
Ov smhokin' I think I've had enough ; 
Say, Bacchy, have yez got a pinch ov snuff? 

Bac. 
Yes, here's my snuff-box — {Opens Trunk,) this here little 

trunk, — 
Unlike a pocket one, it's handy when you're drunk ! 



BY JUPU'ER. 41 

{^Cas. goes to take a pinch of Smiff and tuniblcs into the '/'rioik. 
They pull him out. All connnenee Sneezing. 

Sneezing Quintette — ''Achoo ! Achoo!"' — Cas., Crew, Apollo, Bac. 

and N^eptune. 

[During the rests each assumes sneezing attitude. Each '■'■Achoo ' 
to be sung forte.) 

Achoo ! achoo ! achoo ! 
Oh, what a funny feeling, 
When it comes o'er you stealing, 

Achoo ! achoo ! achoo ! 
How do they evc-r make it 
So, that, whene'er you take it 
You cannot help but do : 
Achoo ! achoo ! achoo ! 
Achoo ! achoo ! achoo ! 
A-choo ! ! 

Nep. 

Oh, yes, indeed, you're welcome here, dear Bacchus. 

Crezv. {Aside.) 

He'll come in handy if they try to sack us ; 
He'll back us up. 

Bacchus. 

I've come to offer you a treat ; 

I've some new whiskey which cannot be beat. 

I've a fine place, it's run by level heads. 

And somewhere in the cellar there's three beds ! 

Cas. 
Hooray ! Me throat alriddy begins ter burn ! 
To Bacchy's Hotel ther Govirnmint will adjourn ! 
On to the Moon ! 

Bac. 

No; we'll to the Dull; 
TiiC police took the moon in last night /"fr being full I 

Crew. 

Go on ; I'll join you in a minute or two ; 
I want to think what's best tor me to do. 

{Exit all except Crew, A'.) 



42 P.V JUPITER. 

To make all men rich 1 must find a plan, — 

I wonder if chey'd take lo an unlimited currency man? 

If so, I'll buy another printing machine, 

Likewise a lot of paper colored green, 

Then put a picture <m the front and say : 

''This is the Nation's promise to pay, 

Redeemable — " after the Judgment day ! 

Thea borrow from whoe'er will be the lender, 

And haadle the money carefully for 'twdl be tc-ndcr .' 

Or shall I use silver, though some loliis holler, 

And say "In God wo trust " for what isn't a dollar ! 

Or shall I do as Capitalists have told, 

Issue new bonds and store up plenty gold ? 

That is the question and this is its intent : 

Which will help me most to make a President ! 

Looked at in that light it's rather hard on me 

That I can't, very well, just do all three ! 

It's rough when one's willing to please all sides, he's made to 

choose. 
And subject himself to tother side's abuse ! 
Ha ! here comes Frenchy ! With her I'll not resume, 
And now I'm what I am, she musn't presume ! 

Enter La Foreignairc, R. 

La F. 
Ah, ha! mon decivaire ! vot ees dis I haf hear ? You have ])romised 
to marry me ; vot lor you make it love to ze oder Madames, eh ? 

Crew . ( With dignity . ) 
Look here, Frenchy, you dont know who I am ! 

La F. 
Von r-r-rascal I You haf li-ed to me ! 

Crew. 

I am an office-holder ; I cannot tell— /^^ truth ! 

{^Retires up.) 

La F. 

Mon Dieu ! does he love me or love me not ? 

{During Song Crew sits on throne as if trying i with a view to 
future occupancy .) 



BY JUPITKR. 43 

Ballad—'' Docs He Love Me 'r'—La Foreigiiaiiw 
La K 

DoCj he love me? Who can say ? 
Who can answer me aright ? 
Sure, I thought he did tt>-day. 
Sure, I fear he dont to-night ! 
Then his actions seemed to be 
Full of love and free from doubt, 
A'ozo — alas ! poor, foolish me ! 
I will ask him and find out ! 



Does he love me ? 1 would give 
All I have to learn 'twas so ; 
For at times I think he does, 
And at times I do not know. 
Oh, the doubt and the unrest 
Born of love, full well I know, 
Love can reach the realms of bliss, 
Love can touch the depths of woe I 

Cre7v . ( Coming dowti . ) 

Look here, Frenchy, leave me alone and I'll give you fifty cents in 
silver a month ! No hole in it, either. 

La F. 
Sac re ! 

Cre^o. 

For sacre, if you want ! I don't care what you do v\ ith it 1 And if you 
bother me again I'll smash you all up! Hang it I I can't marry 
every body ! yExits R.) 

La F. 

Ze fraud ! ze scoundrel ! I will be revenged ! I will see Monsieur 
Jupitaire I {Exits L, ) 

Enter Jupiter and Vesta^ R. U. E, 

yup. {Coming forivard T.) 
Bacchus deserted ? No ; it cannot be ! 
He can't be mean enoagh to go back on me ! 



44 BY JUPITER. 

Vesta. 
Oh, well, you know we're laid upon the shelf * 
But here he comes and you can ask himself ! 

Enter Bacchus L. U. E. followed by jfupitereans. 
Jup. 
Ah, Bacchu's, have you left me in my trouble ? 
Tell me honest, are you playing double? 

Bac. 
I am and have b^;n — 'yj^ip- groans,) always will be true 
To you. gieat Jupiter and onlv you ! 
(As/i/f). After myself! (Aloud.) 
Whatever I do, doubt not .and do not grumble, 
I'm going to help your successors to a tumble ! 
For what's to come prepare and your loins girt, 
You can rely on Tariff and Red Shirt ! 

Concerted Piece — '■'A Band of Kinsmen. ' ' 

Festa. 
We're a band of kinsmen, that's so, I declare ; 

Bac. 
And we love each other, that is so, 1 swear ! 

Ves, we love each other as all kinsmen should, 
But we'll keep our Red Shirt for the party good ! 

Trio. ( IValtz motion. ) 

Oh, yes, we'll keep talking it over, 
Though our actions some folks may regret, 
We're bound to teach mankind the lesson 
Of how to forgive and forget ! 

Chorus — Jupitereans . 

Forget, forget ! 

Of how to forgive and forget ! 

Forget, forget ! Of how to forgive and forget ! 

2. 

Vesta. 
And we'll keep the Tariff, we know what we're about ; 



BY JUPITER. 45 

Bac 

If we can help it we dont mean to be out ! 

Jup, 
With ihe Shirt and Tariff we voters ought to gel, 
Red Shirt and Tariff— on them we will bet ! 

Trio . 
Oh, yes, though the trouble is over, 
We know just what we're about, 
We'll talk, yes, keep talking it over, 
■And that's how we'll let it die out ! 

Chorui> — Jtipitereans. 

Die out, die out ! 
And that's how we'll let it die out ! 
Die out. die out ! And that s how w^e'll let it die out ! 

Jup. 
Sweet friends, good friends. I feel that with your aid 
I yet am very far from being played ; 
You, Bacchus, can help me with your fine address. 
Seeing you are a member of Congress. 

Vesta. 
And, Bacchus, if you do you'll happy be, 
And we'll bestow on you an L. L. D.! 

Bac. 
Command, great Jupiter. I will obey ; 
I'm listening; now " what do you s^.ay ?" 

Jup. 

I want some new laws made and I want you 
To undertake for uie to push them through. 

Bac. 
I'll try my best, dear Jupiter, but still 
I fear his Veto some of them may kill ! 

Jup. 
Oh, never fear; if he tries that we will 
Attach them to an Appropriation Bill ! 
Now leave me, please; some plans I must mature 



46 BY JUPITER. 

To carry the campiign on in the future. 

(Exit Bac, Vesta and jfupitereans L.) 
Ah ! who comes here ? Hard, indeed's my luck, 
On this new party even Juno's struck ! {Retires up Stage.) 

Enter yuno and Eitcharis L. 
Euch. {Imploringly . ) 
Ah, Juno, do J-you know what you mean ? 

jfuno. 
Of course I do ! You dout think that I'm green ? 

jfup. {Aside.) 

Alas ! no woman ever is, I fear, 

Although a lass she once was, — very queer ! 

Juno. 
You have seen my Josh, Eucharis, is'nt he a dear ? 
Of all the men I've seen he's the Major D^mo ! 
Tell me, what lawyer with divorces gives a chromo ? 
For, dear Eucharis, it's very clear to me 
That I have met my own affinity ! 

yup . { Coming forward furiously . Chord. ) 

What's this I hear, base creature ? 
Affinity ! You're talking like a preacher ! 
Affinity ? What's that ? 

Euch. 
A fashionable doctrine. 

yup. 

A doctrine which I think needs doderin'f 

The Weeper, 
Dont do it again ! 

yuno. {Very cooly.) 
Come, now, Jupiter, you need'nt bother. 

yup. {Furiously.) 
Am I not your husband ? 

yuno. 
Yes ; but I want another ! 



BY JirplTEK. il 

Jup. 
If I were Othello you I'd smother I 
As 'tis, my wrongs I'll redress, as y(<u'il see. 

yuno . 
Hem ! I only wish you would re-dress me ! 

Euch . 
Oh, Jupiter, why get in such a rage ? 
Folks will say you're quite behind the age ! 

yuno. 
You've lost your plice, — now don't act funny — 
You've lost your place and ditto your money. 
Is that not so ? 

yiip. [Sadly.) 

It is, of course. 

yuno . 
Then what's left for me but divorce ? 

Enter La Foreignaire, R. 

La F. 

Take it me, Jupitaire, I am von friend to you, 
And zeek it revenge on ze r-rascal Crew ! 

yup. 

I feel weak enough to fall upon the ground ! 

yt^no. 
Don't ! You'll find it cooler if you swim the Sound ! 
Duet — '■'■When Your Place and Money' s Lost.' 

yuno. 

When your place and money's lost 
Then look out, look out for strife; 

yup. 

Ten to one you'll be divorced 
From the darling you call wife I 

yuno. 
If you don't believe my story 
Search of your court records make ; 



4H HV JUPITER. 

Jup, 

See how many wives and husb.mds 
Hut for this each other shake ! Oh ! 

A r and Trio —'■'■Then Its Make Room for Somebody."' 

La F. 

Then its Hubby make room f jr somebody, 
And you must, of course ; 
You know .th it a marriage for lite means 
Only till divorce ! 

Trio. 
Then its Hubby make room for somebody, 
Etc., Etc., Etc. 

2. Duet, as before. 

Juno. 

Ii's too had such things should be. 
And it makes me feel forlorn ; 

Jup. 

But our tempers dont agiee 
Since my place and money's gone I 
There must some good reason be 
Why such things occur, of course ; 

yuno. 

When they do it's plain to me 
Tnat the remedy's divorce ! 

Air attd Trio as before, during which at end all dance off. 
Enter Mercury intoxicated, R . 

Mercuty. (.Singing. ) 

We wont go home till morning ! 

(Enter Book and Pages witli Dungeon L. U. I:.) 
We wont go home till morning! 
We wont — 

Book. 
You're right you wont ! To jail with him, boys ! 
( They take hold of Mercury to arrest him ) 

M. r. 
Don't lock me up &uch a fine day. 



BY JUPITER. 



49 



Book. 
Very fine day— a $io.co fine day for you ! 
{They push Mercury uito Dungeon and exit singings '■'•We run this 
Jail on a Novel Plan,'''' etc.) 

Loud noise heard without. Enter R. U. E., Cas., Crew, A'e/>time, 
Bacchus and Apollo, all drunk. Business. They embrace each other, 
etc., after which form in a line C. 

Finale — Note : Each Verse is sung a little 
slower than preceding one. 

All. (Reeling.) 

Five tipsy fellows 

Reeling on the floor, 

One tumbles over, {Apollo falls.) 

And that leaves four ! 

Four shaky fellows 

As ever you see, 

Kerflop ! goes another, {Bac. falls.) 

And that leaves thiee! 

Three awful fellows, 

What a noisy crew ! 

Pop ! there goes another, {Nep. falls.) 

And that leaves two ! 

Two all sea's over. 

Liquor they should shun ! 

Floppity ! goes another, ( Cas. falls . ) 

And that leaves one ! 

One drunken fellow 
Having all the fun, 
His feet go a-dancing, 
And that leaves none ! 



Enter L. U. E. the Book and Fagts. 

Book. 
I am the Keeper of a Dungeon Cell ! 

Fag^ I. 
And his Page Number One 1 be ! 

Book. 
What a sell it is I needn't to tell ! 



{Crew lies down 
very carefully.) 

They sing as in Act I. 



.-,0 BV JUPITER. 

Pagjs . ( Together. ) 

You needn't say One, Twj; Four and Three I 

{Thjy proceed to rljle pockets of Cos., Creiv, etc. While they were 
singing, yupiter, Vesta and Diana have appeared on Palace Steps. 
They sing while Book and Pages are rijilng pockets, etc.) 

" Oh, Upper Dogs, look out P' —Jap.. Ves. and Di. 

Oh, upper dogs, look out, look out, 

By rocks you are surrounded. 

And if you drift on them you will 

Assuredly be grounded ! 

The under dogs are wide awake, 

They're watching every step you take, 

And if you make the least mistake, 

They'll let the whole world know it ! 
{yust as they finish, Cas., Crew, etc., jump up suddenly ; Book and 
Pages startled, step a little back ; Jupiter eans, Patocrats and Aymplfs 
enter at upper entrances. ) 



Grand Finale. 



'■'■Upper Dogs, look out! "■Tipsy Fellows, ^^ and '^We Run this 
'Jail,''^ etc., all sung together. 

Book, Pages and Nymphs. 

We (they) run the jail o.i a novel plan, 
It was taught to us (them) by an excellent man. 
An excellent man say One, Two, Four, Three, 
Who once was the Sheriff of a great Cit-ee ! 

Cas., Crew, etc., and Patocrats. 
We're (they're) all tipsy, tips, tips, tipsy ! 
We're (they're) all tipsy as we (they) can be! 
And the world is shaky, shaky, 
Just as shaky as it can be ! 

yupiter, etc., and yupitereans. 
Oh, upper dogs, look out, look out, 



BY JUPITER. . .11 

Be Careful how you go it ! 

Look out, look out, look out, look out, 

Look out ! Look out ! Look out ! {High.) 

{These three melodies are concerted. Cas., Crew, et. a/., sing and 
act very drunk, j^upitereans sing triumphantly, ending on a high scale. 
Cas., et. al., tu?nble all together at the end, Book and Pages simultane- 
ously rushing down, etc. ) 



QUICK CURTAIN BEFORE MUSIC STOPS. 



END OF ACT SECOND. 




52 BY JUPITER. 



The Audience will please allow some years to elapse betiveen Act II. and 

ACT THIRD. 



i2sr TxaiE HE-^^TTEJsrs. 



Scene: 



The Palace of State gorgeously fitted up — Massive Pillars, Golden 
Seats and Couches, etc., etc., the, whole on a scale of Magnificence and 
Brilliancy — Doors leading to Rooms R. and L. — Large Open Windows 
and Folding Doors at hack shoiving a wide Passage Way — Drop is 
seen beyotid representing the Interior of the Sun. 

The entire Scene is Fanciful and Imaginative. 

Fucharis, Mercury and Patocrats discovered. 

Opening Chorus — '■'•Why i"' — Patocrats. 

Why, oh, vrhy have we not all riches ? 

Why. oh, why isn't everything right ? 
Why can't all of us have our wishes ? 

Why, oh, why is it not always bright ? 
Why isn't this thus ? Why isn't thus this ? 

Why are you you and why am II? 
Why is there sorrow as well as bliss ? 
And why, oh, why, oh, why is why ? 
Why, oh, why? 
Why, oh, whyV 
Oh, Why ! 

Euch. 
He's treated me very badly, -hasn't he, friends? 

Patocrats. [In unison.) 
He has ! 



BY JUPITER. 53 



Mer. 
And me, too. It makes me mad ! 
And this is a great country ! 

Euch. 
I'm sure I helped him to his present place. 

Mer. 
And yat he insults you to your face ] 

Euch. 
And you, too. It's a disgrace ! 

Mer. 
Disgrace ? Disgrace for its no name ; 
It's a shame ! that's what it is,— a shame ! 

Euch. 
And I'm ashamed of him — to treat me thus ! 

Mer. 
Don't say "treat me," Eucharis, say " treat us. 

The Weeper. 
Pm here ! 

Mer. 
We should have had an office, blast his eyes ! 
Wasn't it you and I who helped him rise? 
The fact is evident that we've been sold ! 

Euch. 
We've been coldly treated — left out in the cold! 
He's been z\\ for getting — -we' ro. for -got. 
My ! wouldn't I like to shoot him on the spot ! 

Enter Hebe, R, 
Mer. 
Ah, Hebe, dear, what luck? Pray, tell us quick, 

Hebe. 
The same old story. I am quite heartsick ; 
For months I've hung between hope and despair, 
Promised a mission here and mission there, 
A head clerkship or consulship with large pay, — 



54 BY JUPITER. 

In tact, some different ofBce each and every day 
I've waited patiently for time to bring, 
And never yet have I got anything ! 

Eiich. 

Alas ! alas! that's just the case with me ! 
Why did I ever leave the old party ? 

Hebe. 

He fibs outright, makes promises to break. 
And very politely gives his dupes the shake I 

Ench. 

Let's change our politics and make Reform our mission ! 

In other words, lef s join the opposition ! 

These mortals shall not rule it over me, 

I really think they're corrupt as they can be ! 

Song and Chorus — "/ do not hold an Office^— Mercury, Hebe, 
Eucharis and Patocrats. 

Mcr. 

I do not hold an office. 
That's very plain to see; 
Therefore our present rulers 
Are corrupt as they can be ! 

Euch. 

And so I will abuse them 
Though good or bad they be, 
I do not hold an office, 
That's what's the matter with me ! 

Hebe. 

So we'll run them down. 
So we'll run them out, 
So we'll run them all about ; 
Yes, we'll make them dance, 
We must have a chance, 
It is only fair, you know ! 

Patocrats. 

So we'll run them down, 

So we'll run them out, 

So we'll run them all about ; 



BY JUPITER 55 

Yes, we'll make them dance, 
We must have a chance, 
It is only fair, you know ! 

2. Mer. 

Oh, if I held an office 
How dif'rent things would be ! 
You'd never see corruption 
Existing under me ! 

Euch. 

Yes, if I held an office 

Corruption you'd not see ; 

I do not hold an office, 

That's what's the matter with me ! 

Hebe. 
So we'll run them down, Etc., etc. 

Patocrats. 
So we'll run them down. Etc., etc. 

{Exit Patocrats.) 

Mer. {Looking off A\) 
Why, here coj/ies.'Jupitev ! And here's a. go ! 
Who do you think is with him ? 

Euch . 

Why. Juno ! 

Enter Jupiter and Juno, R. 
Jup. 
Ah, friends. I thought that I should meet you here. 
Why, what's the matter that you look so queer? 
I see — it's Juno ! She's a little dear ! 

Mer. {Aside.) 
Queer ^ It is, indeed, upon my life. 
To see a man take back a deserting wife ! 
Dear ? A wife's a dear thing to carry, 
And folks should stop to think before they marry ; 
For though a man and wife are one^ it still is true 
They want and take and eat enough for ttvo ! 

Jup. 
By this that everything's all right, you'll see. 



56 BY JUPITER. 

{Kisses Juno. To audience.') 
Now wouldn't some of you like to be me ? 

{Some one in the Gallery: Wouldn't I !) 

Hebe. 
Why, Jupiter, I — 

Juno. 

Stop ! I'll explain ; 
I've killed no one and so I'm not insane. 
To my liege lord I am and have been true, 
But it became, you see — 

Ench . 

Yes, 1 see ; you 
Upon the parties now in power have played a game I 
Forgive me, Juno, I see you're not to blame. 

Juno. 
That's it. To his high place my husband to return, 
And the good will of all my people earn. 
With these new parties I pretended to go in, — 
I've learnt their secrets and exposed their sin ! 

Enter La Foreignaire R. 
Aided by this one in the glorious action. 

La F. 
Ah, ha ! I zeek it sat-is-fac-tion ! 
Read dese ! \Hands Mercury, Eucharis and Hebe daily papers. ) 

Mer. { Reading. ) 
What's this I see? " Startling Exposures." 

Eiich. 
And here's another headed : " More Disclosures." 

Hebe. 
And here again ; " Crimes in High Stations." 

Ench. 
And still some more " Terrible Revelations." 



BY JUPITER. 5^ 

Mer, 
If s as I f.iought, indeed, most noble Lord, 
This party's rotten to the core with fraud ! 

Ench. 
I always thought so ! That's the reason why 
I never had anything to do with them ! 

Hebe. 

Nor I! 

Mer. 
They tried their best to win me to their side, 
But rather than join their colors I'd have died! 

7 up. 
Ihey have deceived us, now they'll feel our stings; 
We'll dD away with them and all their Rings ! 
Upon them all, we now will turn about, 
And quick, indeed, will they step down and out ! 
Yells of populace without: ''Down with them ! " Dozvn with themr' 

You hear ? 
The public have changed and I'm again their dear ! 

yuno. 
*Tis good. Once again we may see 
The good old times that Lve in memory. 

Duet— ''Memory .'' —La Foreignaire and Juno. 
LaF. and Juno. 

Down through the long vista of years 

Memory bears me along, 

Over their hopes and their fears, 

Over their right and their wrong ; 

And into my eyes steal the tears 

As scenes of the past o'er me throng, 

And down the long vista of years. 

Memory bears me along ! 

Over their hopes and their fears. 
Over their right and their wrong, 
Down through the long vista of years 
Memory bears me along., 

2. 

Changed are the scenes which I see, 



5H BV JUPITER. 

Changed are the friends whom I know. 

Memory alone is with me 

To tell of the long, long ago ; 

And oft, as the day disappears 

And the night shades come in a throng, 

Down through the long vista of years 

Memory bears me along. 

Over their hopes and their fears, 
Over their right and their wrong, 
Down through the long vista of years 
Memory bears me along. 

Jup. 

Though Vice may be triumphant for a time, 
Virtue's the safest road for all to climb. 
Come join my standard and avenge their sins, 
Though now the outs we soon shall be the ins; 
This truth my people all will learn to see. 
Honesty is'nt a 4-11-44 Policy ! 
Come, follow me ! 

{Exit Omnes L.) 

Cas. puts his head out of door R. cautiously. Crew peeps out bending 
over his back. Las. st . rls back and Creto tumbles over. Cas. peeps out 
again, then enters followed by Crciv. 

Cas. 
It looks as loike ther result ov all me labors 
I'm to be thrown overboard, be jabers ! 
Bekase I want to sthay I'm called Julius Caysars ! 
Phat a counthry ! I cant do phat I playses ! 

Crew. 

Its very hard when we got such a greetinjr, 
No one calls for us an indignation meeting ! 
Because we've done what we thought was best, 
And in so doing feathered our own nest, 
They want to take us down from the throne. 
They gave it us and isn't it our own? 

Cas. 

Shure, they'd do worser if they had the chance ! 
Och hone 1 its mesilf would like to make them dance ! 



BY JUPITER. 5'J 

Foine times these arc an' that's a purty law, 

A man cant use his offish to suit himself, begor ! 

Creiv, 
Put on a bold face, Pat, we must stand firm ! 

Cas. 
Indade I will ; I want another term ! 

C7'etv. 

The question is what shall we do pro tern ? 
They dont appreciate the sacrifice we've made for (hem. 
Now if we could do something to divert attention, 
These little things would just drop out of mention. 

Cas. 
Aint there some counthry aroun' here, begor, 
With which we can git up a little War? 

Crtnv. 
I'll call for Mars and see. Hey, Mars ! Now for some light. 

Enter Mars, L. 
Mars, are you and your soldiers ready for a fight 'i 

Mars. 
I'm like the great immortal George, — I never fight ! 

Crew. 
George never fought ? I guess you've not got your history right. 

Cas. 
Washington, is it ? 

Mars. 
Yes ; he hadn't time. You'd know if your reading wasn't furzy, 
He had to build too many Headquarters in New York and Jersey I 

{Exits L.) 

Cas. 
Another desirter ! 

Crew. 
I have it ! I'll change the finances so as to give 
Each man and woman money enough to live ! 



CO BY JUPITER. 

(as. 

Arrah ! that's a bright idea. But say, 
Where will yez git enough sthamps to pay ? 
An' how will yez fix it so that they can spind, 
Yit kapc their money to their lifetime's ind ? 

Crew. 

Ah ! there you have me, Pat ; 
Its very strange I never thought of that ! 
Upon these things one so many speeches hears 
From wise M. C's. and dealers in ales and beers, 
That, notwithstanding all they've said, I fear 
I'm still not very much of a financier I 

Enter Apollo L. 
Apollo. 
Fly. most noble Masters, fly ! 

Cre^v. 
Do I look like a winged canary ? But why ? 

Apollo. 

Ask no questions ; quick leave this ' sile,' 
Ur to-night you'll find yourself in durance vile ! 
{S/touls of the populate without . '■'■Up with iJiem ! Up with theni!'^'] 
Dont you hear ? They're raising a fuss. 

Cre7v. 

'■'■Up with ///tv//"— that means down with us ! 

Enter Neptune hurriedly^ L. 

Nep. {Recitative.) 

Fly, fly ! the trouble's begun ! 

That is to say, the Revolution ! 
Jupiter's coming with soldiers under Mars, 
If they catch you, you'll surely see some stars ! 
Oh, fly ! fly ! 

Song and Chorus— '■'U c Must Pack Up and Fly Away.'' — Xeptutu. 
Apollo, Cas. and Creiu. 

Neptune. 

We must pack up, pack up and fly away, 
We must fly away from here ; 



BY JUPITER. Gl 

It's too bad we cant, we cannot, cannot stay, 
Oh, this world is very queer ! 

All Four. 

We laugh and we cry, 

We sing and we sigh. 

And why is it all, oh, why ? 

We laugh and we cry, • 

We sing and we sigh. 

We come and pass away ! 
We must pack up, pack up and fly away. 
We must fly away from here ; 
It's too bad we cant, we cannot, cannot ^tay. 
Oh, this world is very queer ! 

{All groan.) 

Nep. {Starting.) 

Unless of prison life you want a taste, 

Come, come at once, —there is no time to waste ! 

Cas. {^Frightened.) 

I will, indade ; 
Sarcumstances show that there's grate nade 
For me to fray me moind from work and care, 
Me helth is bad an' wants a change of air ! 
{Marches tip and down excitedly.) 

Crew. 

Well, this is sudden ! It's a pretty go ! 
A Revolution in a day ! I didn't know 
When I came here I came to Mexico ! 

Nep. 

You're wasting time. 

Apollo. 
Indeed you are. You'd better flee. 

CreT.v. 
With what country have we no extradition treaty ? 

Nep. 
I do not know ; I think they're very few ; 
We'd better go and join the great Zulu ! 



62 BY JUPITER. 

Canada's too far from Heaven ! 

{More shouting heard unthout. ) 
I cannot wait ! 

{Exits hurriedly L.) 

Apollo. 
Nor I ! 

{Exits hurriedly L.) 

Crew. 

I've done a smashing business as you see, 

A very smashing business, — it has quite smashed me ! 

Cas. 
Fm most chrazy, Josh ; we'd better lave ! 

Crezv. 
Go your own way ; I myself must save ! 
They're coming for our heads it's plainly seen, — 
The Republic! the whole Republic for a flying machine ! 

[Tears his hair.) 

Cas. 
Howly Moses ! I wish that 1 was dead ! 
{Enter the Book and Pages ivith the Dungeon L.) 

Book. 
Just in time. Gentlemen, walk into my parlor ! 

Cas. 
Oh, lave me ! lave me ! 

Crezu. 
Keep quiet : I'll fix it ! {To Book.) See here. {Hands him a purse.) 

Book. { Taking it. ) 

Boys, the word is given. {Book and Pages bandage their eyes zvith 
handkerchiefs.) Justice is blind f Walk in and walk out. 

{Cas. and Crexv step into the Dungeon Book and Pages sing '■'■IVe 
run this Jail,'''' etc., as before, and draw the Dungeon to exit L. As 
they do so Crew knocks out the side and steps out, Cas. knocks out the 
hack and steps out. Book and Pages exit.) 

Crew. 

That's one check cashed ; 
Now one dash for liberty or liberty is dashed / 



BY JUPITER. 63 

'{They rush to exit L. and ore confronted by Mercury, Eucharis and 
Diana, who enter ; they rush to R. and are confronted by Jupiter, 
Juno and Vesta who enter ; they rush to L. U. E and are confronted 
by the Book atid Pages w/w enter and advance ; they rush to R. U. E. 
and are confronted by Hebe and La Foreignaire who enter and advance. 
At the sattie time, through the Passage Way, enter the Gods and God- 
dessis under Mars, also yupitereans. Music: '■'■We are all Sur- 
rounded. ' ' 

Hebe. 

Were you going to leave us ? Can it be true ! 
We love you quite too much to part with you i 

Vesta. 
To fly away from us it's quite too late. 

Juno.. 
You're overtaken now, you see, by fate. 

Creiv. 
I'ring me a son of a Gun ! 

Enter the Weeper. 
Cas. 
Phat? 

Crexv, 
A son of a gun, — a pistol ! 

Weeper^ 
Dont— [Falls.) 

Jupiter, 
He's killed at last ! 

Diajia, 
I've hunted you down, — 'twas well done you must own. 

Jtip, 
And I, Jupiter, again ascend the throne. 

La F. 
Ah, ha ! I have it my r-revenge ! [To Criw.) You promise 
to marry me. 



(>4 BY JUPITER, 

Eiuh. 
And me ! 

Hebe. 
And me ! 

Vesta. 
And me ! 

Female Jupitereans. [Together.^ 
And we ! 

Crew. 
Any more claimants ? Come on, I'L marry the lot. 
And start a Chinese Laundry on the spot ! 
What's all this about ? Of what are we accused ? 

Cas. 

It's very much indade we are abused. 
Where's ther ividence agin us, — for that I wait. 

Enter Apollo, Neptune and Bacchus, L. 
Apollo and Bac. (together. ) 
It's here ! We turn evidence for the State ! 

Cas. 
Et tivo brutes ! 

Crew. 
No ; they're three brutes ! 

Vesta. 
Further struggling will do no good, you see. 

Cre7v. 
U. B. D.— 

Nep. 
No ; U. C, U. R., U. P. 

Juno. 
Well, Jupiter, \vhat's your pleasure ? 
Some punishment to these knaves we must measure. 



BY JUPITER. gg 

Jnp. 
You're very right ; indeed we must, my treasure. 

Crew, 
Dont trouble yourself ; I cant see 
Any particular ne-ces-si-ty ! 

Jup. 

The time has come ; now what have you to say 
Why judgment should not be pronounced to-day ? 

Cas. 

Och, phat's ther use ov askiu' such like questions ? 
Av course we have numerous sarious objections ! 

Jup. 
All overruled ! 

Crew. 
Well, just note our exceptions ! 

Cas. 

I say, Jupy, don't be hard upon a feller, 

Ghrant us a sthay ov proceedins an' a writ ov error ! 

Crew. 

I've pleaded once and now I plead again, 

I'm not responsible for I'm insane ! 

My fifty-second cousin on my father's side 

Was by a mad dog bitten, from which he died; 

And one of my aunts, as maybe you may know — 

Jup. 

That's quite enough; you forget, it's clear, 
You're not at present in the mundane sphere. 

Hebe. ( Throwing salt over Crew. ) 
It's no use, Governor, you're in a mesh. 

Crew. 
Dont throw salt over me ! 



66 



BY JUPITER. 

Hebe. 
I will because you're too fresh ! 

Jup. 

I'll let you choose the manner of your death. 
That is to say, the way you'll lose your breath. 

Crew. 

Then, Jupiter, —now don't get in a rage, — 
I'd much prefer to die. Sir, of old age ! 

Cas. 

An' I prefars, if it's all ther same to ye, 
To die ov general de-bil-i-tee ! 

Jup. 

You much mistake me ; punish you I must. 

The people in your hands reposed a trust. 

And instead of doing credit to your station, 

Dis-zvtdii you have brought upon the Nation. i 

Three manners of leaving here I'll now propose, 

And you shall have whichever one you chose : 

First, to be squeezed to death within a Press, 

Or second, hanged, or — 

Cas. 

Och, phat a land ! 

>/. 
Hold on ! ■ Or third, be shot where you stand ! 

Crew. 

So far as I can see, 
The result's the same in all three ! 

Cas. 

It sayms to me 
It's purty much ov twaddledum an' twadledee ! 
I moight as well be drowned, — I cannot swim, — 
I say, Jupy, it's none ov me fault, it all was him! {Points to Crew. ) 



BY JUPITER. 67 

Crew, 

'Twas me ? Why, but for you, 

I to my trust would have been true ! 

Jup. 
How each one for the other grieves ! 
Where, oh, where's the honor among thieves ? 
{Crew and Cas. stagger and exhibit signs of illness.) 

Crew. 

Oh, Jupiter, support me, — quick ! 
I'm very ill ! 

Cas. 

Begoory I but I'm sick ! 

Bac. 
Heed them not Jupiter ; it's that mysterious disease 
Which seizes politicians in a squeeze. 

Jup. 
What's the matter ? 

Cas. 

1 mane no harrum, 
I've got a bad attack ov Refarium ! (Falls.) 

Cretu. 

That's just what ails me, — 

Reform, Retrenchment and Economy ! (falls.) 

Jup. 

Stand up ! there's no use in your crying, 
I cant believe you when I see you lying ! 
And more, the opmion's with me forming. 
Who cry Reform the most need most reforming ! 
Shall I let them go ? 

Jiipitereans, 
No ! No ! No ! 

Jupiter. 

Now come, decide, and let us end this thing, 

Will you be pressed, shot where you stand, O" swing ? 



68 BY JUPITER. 

Cas. {Rising,) 

Well, I guess 

Ther worst ov all's to be killed by the Press. 
The Weeper, {jumping tip.) 
Dont do it again ! 

Mer. 
Alive once more ! 

Crew. 
Though all who are hanged below, before they dance it 
Say the gallows is to Heaven a road of Rapid Transit, 
Yet we'll not try it or the press. We choose 
To be shot and not to furnish noose ! 

La F. 
Jupitaire, if he marry me vill you par-done them ? 

J up. 
In consideration of your services, and on condition of their leaving 
here, I will, if you beg it. 

La F. {To Crew.) 
Vol you say ? 

Crew. ( Taking her hand. ) 
Done, old girl ! {Aside.) Of two evils I choose the least! Mar- 
riage before death, — it makes death easy ! 

Jup. 
Now send a Herald and Tribune throughout the World, 
To tell by Mail and Telegram., Journal and Post Express, 
The Ne^cvs that from their high positions have been hurled 
The men who to their duty proved faithless ! 
In all Commercial centers let them say 
The Times have changed, and tell the Graphic story, 
The Sun and Stars shall now rise once again 
On our great Nation, clothed in all its glory ! 

{Every daily New York N'ewspaper is here ttamed.) 

Diana. 
No race or party do we mean to strike ; 






BY JUPITER. 6:> 



Mer. 
Men everywhere are pretty much alike ; 

Vet^ta. 
To make a Government that's good and hearty, 

Wants men of principle as well as of Party. 

Jupiter. 

The country's safe though poH*icians fight, 
The people's will is law, and Law is Right ! 



FINALE : 

Composed of : 

I. Chorus — '■'■The Public is a Fickle Maiden.'^ 
II. Solo— "■Does he Love Me.'' — 2d Verse. 
III. Grand Chorus — -'Come to the Country thafs Wait- 
ing,"' and Spring, Spring" Airs to the following 
words : 

Oh, come to the country of freedom, 

Of freedom ; 
The Old World must give way to the New, 

To the New ; 
It's flowing with milk and with honey, 

With honey, 
Dear land of the brave and the true ! 

And the true I 

Then come on ! Then come on ! 
Then come on ! Then come on ! 
To the land which no tyranny mars ! 
Here's a home ! Here's a home ! 
And a chance — to advance ! 
Hurrah ! for the Stripes and the Stars ! 



70 BY JUPITER. 

''Spring'' Air : 

Good night, good night, good night to you all, 

We trust you'll soon repeat your call ; 

For all our faults we will make amends 

And do what we can to make you our friends ; 

May good fortune on you attend. 

And health and happiness to you send ; 

We hope your favor now on us beams, 

And bid you good-night, sweet dreams, sweet dreams ! 






CURTAIN. 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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